This week as got to have been one of the worse weeks of my life. I am so physically and emotionally shattered at the moment that I don't know whether I am coming or going and the little energy that I did have before all of this happened as just about gone.
On Monday, me, my mum and my nanan went to see my grandad in the Chappel of Rest and that was so hard. My grandad just looked so normal and we all expected him to just jump up and say "I fooled you all" but I guess it is just wishful thinking unfortunately. My grandads coffin was full of pictures of all of his grandkids and kids and I put a letter in that I had written to him and my nanan put his favourite had in (he would never go anywhere without it!).
We didn't stay in the Chappel of Rest very long as it was too upsetting but we all said our goodbyes and told my grandad that everything would be OK.
Tuesday was the day of the funeral. I honestly don't know how I managed to get through it all. It was SO much worse than I ever imagined it would be. I think it made it harder with me going to the Chappel of Rest but I honestly wanted to go and say my goodbyes. Even just seeing the coffin out on the street made me cry. When we got to the church, we said our prayers and sang hymns and the vicar spoke about my grandads life. It was SO hard when he spoke about how my grandad met my grandma and how much he lvoed all of his children and grandchildren.
On the way out of the Church, the vicar played a football rap as my grandad was a very big football supporter. It was supposed to make us all smile but I think it totally had the opposite affect as everyone was in floods of tears!!
After we got out of the Church, we went to the Crematorium. On the way in to the Crematorium, they played 'I did it my way' by Frank Sinatru and even just hearing the lyrics made me cry. My grandad always had to do things he way and even if we told him to do it the easiest way, he would still have to figure it out for himself!
When they closed the curtains in the Crematorium, I just wanted to stand up and shout that was my grandad and that they couldn't do that to him but I know it's too late unfortunately now, he's gone.
When we got back from the Crematorium, we went to our local pub for a tea service. All of our family was there and it was pretty nice - it's just such a shame that it takes a funeral to bring everyone together. I got to see my cousion, Shakira who had a liver transplant last year and she is doing great! She is only 5 so doesn't really understand what has happened to my grandad.
Wednesday, we took my nanan to town as she wanted to take all of the verses to be put into the papers. It cost an absolute fortune! Thankfully, nearly everyone as paid for their verses but my aunty still owes my uncle some money for both the flowers and the verse. I doubt he will ever got the money back as she is one of those people that just expects everything for nothing. My grandad gave her £2000 for a new kitchen about 2 years before he passed away and he never got the money back! My grandad was always the soft one and would give into her but my nanans promised us that she wont.
Thursday, we spent most of the day arranging things and phoning and filling in forms for my nanan. We should get the ashes back sometime this week and my nanan wanted us to order a rose bush for her. We have ordered one that is yellow and supposed to be a 'Celebration of life' and have named it after my grandad. My grandad always said that whenever anything happened to him, he wanted to be put in the back garden so that is what we have decided to do!
I have spent the rest of the week trying to rest as my RSD is flaring up again. I think the stress and all of the walking and things has really affected me. I have been going to see my nanan every day and it's really hard when I don't feel like doing anything but we need to go and check that she is OK.
I start back at school again tomorrow - i'm not sure if that's a good idea or not. I don't know if I am ready to go back at the moment but on the other hand, I want something to take my mind off everything. At least I know that everyone will be supportive and if I don't feel like doing anything, I just have to tell them.
Sorry for rambling - am still very upset and not sleeping.
Tailing Trout at Little Pine Lagoon this morning.
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Only a light northerly blowing as I fished Tailers Shore.
Trout were tailing but illusive. Two other anglers landed fish, one a good
21/2lb. The rest of us...
12 years ago
3 comments:
{{{hugs}}}
I'm sorry this is such a rough time for you now. I was happy to read your post as I think it's good to get things out, both verbally and in a format like this.
I can understand how drained you must feel and hope that amidst all the sadness, the grief, that you are remembering to take care of yourself. It only makes sense that your flaring right now, but it is so hard (I'm flaring, too, from my recent move).
I'm just working on taking care of my needs as the simple stress of things does seem to make the pain either worse or tougher to handle or both. I just keep doing what I can, am careful with my medications and try to get plenty of sleep, which my body NEEDS to heal.
I hope you will look after yourself well, Alison. Remember, caring friends are just an email away...
And you're not rambling,not to me! I'm always glad to read your posts.
Do take care, I wish your pain a speedy reduction.
Thinking of you,
Lisa
Dearest, I hope that getting back into school and being around your new found friends gives you a burst of strength to get through. The fact that they are so understanding will help you heal and also getting back into routine. Your Granddad will be there by your side helping you along. I'm glad that despite the sadness, your family came together to help each other and you will have fond memories always.
Take care and remember its still ok to cry sometimes but that little by little it will feel easier to think of him with happiness rather than tears.
Sending lots of little packets of love to you.
I would like to say a big thank you to you both, I honestly don't know what I would do without all of you guys to help me through this rough time - you are both the best friends anyone could wish for ((hugs)).
Lisa - I hope you feel better real soon and I am sending you many, pain-free hugs. You have such a good way of using words and everything you say makes sense. I am taking care of myself the best I can - I have told my nanan that I will be there to help her as much as I can but she has to understand that I am ill also - and she does. She has been really supportive and helped me and listened to me when I am upset and just want to tell people how i'm feeling - it really helps having someone to let it all out to.
Thanks again for taking the time to comment and read my blog.
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