One of the Worst Weeks of My Life

This week as got to have been one of the worse weeks of my life. I am so physically and emotionally shattered at the moment that I don't know whether I am coming or going and the little energy that I did have before all of this happened as just about gone.

On Monday, me, my mum and my nanan went to see my grandad in the Chappel of Rest and that was so hard. My grandad just looked so normal and we all expected him to just jump up and say "I fooled you all" but I guess it is just wishful thinking unfortunately. My grandads coffin was full of pictures of all of his grandkids and kids and I put a letter in that I had written to him and my nanan put his favourite had in (he would never go anywhere without it!).

We didn't stay in the Chappel of Rest very long as it was too upsetting but we all said our goodbyes and told my grandad that everything would be OK.

Tuesday was the day of the funeral. I honestly don't know how I managed to get through it all. It was SO much worse than I ever imagined it would be. I think it made it harder with me going to the Chappel of Rest but I honestly wanted to go and say my goodbyes. Even just seeing the coffin out on the street made me cry. When we got to the church, we said our prayers and sang hymns and the vicar spoke about my grandads life. It was SO hard when he spoke about how my grandad met my grandma and how much he lvoed all of his children and grandchildren.

On the way out of the Church, the vicar played a football rap as my grandad was a very big football supporter. It was supposed to make us all smile but I think it totally had the opposite affect as everyone was in floods of tears!!

After we got out of the Church, we went to the Crematorium. On the way in to the Crematorium, they played 'I did it my way' by Frank Sinatru and even just hearing the lyrics made me cry. My grandad always had to do things he way and even if we told him to do it the easiest way, he would still have to figure it out for himself!

When they closed the curtains in the Crematorium, I just wanted to stand up and shout that was my grandad and that they couldn't do that to him but I know it's too late unfortunately now, he's gone.

When we got back from the Crematorium, we went to our local pub for a tea service. All of our family was there and it was pretty nice - it's just such a shame that it takes a funeral to bring everyone together. I got to see my cousion, Shakira who had a liver transplant last year and she is doing great! She is only 5 so doesn't really understand what has happened to my grandad.

Wednesday, we took my nanan to town as she wanted to take all of the verses to be put into the papers. It cost an absolute fortune! Thankfully, nearly everyone as paid for their verses but my aunty still owes my uncle some money for both the flowers and the verse. I doubt he will ever got the money back as she is one of those people that just expects everything for nothing. My grandad gave her £2000 for a new kitchen about 2 years before he passed away and he never got the money back! My grandad was always the soft one and would give into her but my nanans promised us that she wont.

Thursday, we spent most of the day arranging things and phoning and filling in forms for my nanan. We should get the ashes back sometime this week and my nanan wanted us to order a rose bush for her. We have ordered one that is yellow and supposed to be a 'Celebration of life' and have named it after my grandad. My grandad always said that whenever anything happened to him, he wanted to be put in the back garden so that is what we have decided to do!

I have spent the rest of the week trying to rest as my RSD is flaring up again. I think the stress and all of the walking and things has really affected me. I have been going to see my nanan every day and it's really hard when I don't feel like doing anything but we need to go and check that she is OK.

I start back at school again tomorrow - i'm not sure if that's a good idea or not. I don't know if I am ready to go back at the moment but on the other hand, I want something to take my mind off everything. At least I know that everyone will be supportive and if I don't feel like doing anything, I just have to tell them.

Sorry for rambling - am still very upset and not sleeping.

Life is so Fragile

I'm just beside myself at the moment with shock, guilt and sorrow.

We got a phone call yesterday morning about 9.30am UK time from my grandma (dads mum). She was really worried and said that my grandad had collapsed and that he wasn't breathing and that she didn't know what to do. My mum called an ambulance and my dad rushed round to check on them both.

The Ambulace didn't take right long to come and when they got into my nanans house, they immediately started to do CPR on my grandad to try and get his heart beating again. My nanan and dad asked my mum to go round to their house also so that she could sort things out and my mum said the doctors were working on my grandad for about half an hour in the house before they were able to get him into the ambulance and rush him to the hospital.

When they eventually were able to take my grandad to the hospital, they had to have a police car escort them to try and give my grandad the best possible chance of surviving. My mum took my nanan to the hospital, and my dad came round to check on me and tell me to get ready has my nanan wanted me at the hospital.

When my grandad got into the hospital, the doctors immediately started to do CPR on him again and started wiring him up to all sorts of machines. My mum and nanan wasn't allowed to go in to see my grandad, has it was too dangerous with all of the machines.

The Doctors worked on my grandad for about an hour but unfortunately, he didn't make it and passed away.

When I arrived at the hospital with my parents, most of my family were there. The nurses and my nanan had called everyone and told them to get through to the hospital immediately.

The nurses allowed us to go and see my grandad and say our goodbyes. I went in with my mum, dad and grandma and I have to say, it was one of the hardest things I have ever had to do. We all broke down in tears and my nanan started shouting that she wanted him back and that this wasn't fair. Seeing my grandad laid on the bed with tubes hung out of his mouth really hit me and the reality set in that this would probably be the last time I would ever see my grandad.

We stayed at the hospital for a few hours with my family and we were allowed to go in and see my grandad as much as we wanted but I wouldn't go in again has it was far too distressing. My nanan went in with my uncle to comfort him though.

The nurses explained a few things to us and said that it is suspected that my grandad had a massive heart attack but because it was so sudden, they are having to do a post-mortum. The doctors believe that my grandad passed away within 30 seconds of him collapsing and that he didn't look to be in too much pain thankfully.

When we got home, we went and stayed with my nanan for a bit to comfort her and get her a few things. She couldn't really be in the house on her own has it was too upsetting. She kept looking and staring into the chair where my grandad usually sat (and where he also collapsed) and it was so heartbreaking to see.

My grandad wanted a cremation so that is what we are having done. There will be a lot of people at the funeral has my grandad was loved by everyone and no one had a bad word to say about him. The Undertaker is calling my nanan sometime tomorrow morning to start and sort things out and put things in place.

I am a lot more upset today than I was yesterday. I can't eat hardly. Can't sleep. Don't want a drink or anything. I think yesterday I was in shock and just wanted this to all be a big nightmare and that I would wake up and everything would be OK but now I know it isn't.

I SO wish I told my grandad I loved him more often. Wish I didn't say all of the things I said about him not understanding my RSD. Wish I saw him more. There are so many things I wish I did and so many "If only's" but I know they aren't going to help.

I just feel so guilty about everything I said to my grandad. There are so many things I would have done differently and I SO wish I could just turn back time and everything would be OK.

It just goes to show that life is so fragile and if I could say one thing to my fellow blog readers, it would be to tell your family and friends and loved ones that you love them often as you just don't know what is around the corner.

I better go as i'm in tears here...