Forum Troubles and Being Stressed

As most of my blog readers know, I lost my grandad 3 weeks ago and I also run a support forum for people with RSD and their friends and family.

I have been SO stressed with everything that has been going off in my life and my familes and was frustrated on the forum when I posted a message and no-one replied to what I had written. I guess I just felt like I had done so much for the forum but no one semt to want to help and support me when I needed someone to talk to. My mum noticed the post before I did so she posted a message saying that she was frustrated and angry that not many people were replying to my posts even though I am going through a very rough time right now but still take the time to reply to others. She also mentioned that she felt now was the time to take a break from the forum and maybe step down from being an Administrator, at least until I can get things back onto an even keel.

After I saw the message that my mum had wrote, I also posted a message saying that I too was frustrated with people that weren't replying to my posts. I didn't put anything nasty but I just said that I felt now was the time I stopped doing everything on the forum. People then replied saying that I had hurt their feelings and that basically what I was saying wasn't true and that they are all there to support me even though some of them have not been. Just the other day, I was talking to someone on Yahoo IM and they knew what had happened with my grandad but still persisted in telling me about how bad their life is, in the end I ended up having to say I had to go because they were really annoying me.

Some people on the forum (especially Felicia) have been great but with others, I just feel like everything has been left to me and that I am having to do everything even though i'm not feeling well myself. I just can't understand why people can't seem to understand what I am saying and realise that I need to take a break otherwise I am going to end up going into a huge flare!!!

I've still decided though that I need to take some time to myself, to relax and just unwind and take care of myself and my family. There is just too much going off right now in my life without having to worry about the forum all of the time.

Hopefully, once I am feeling better, I will be able to go on the forum more but it's just so frustrating that people can't see things from my point of view and realise that once in a while, I may need to take a break!!

I'd like to take this time to thank a few people also that have helped me so much and always been there for me no matter what:

Felicia (Alessea) - Thank you ever so much for being here for me and everything that you have done for me. You have helped me so much more than you know and I could never thank you enough for seeing things from my point of view with the forum and for understanding. You are the best friend anyone could wish for and I could never thank you enough!

Lisa (Lisa_Moon) - Thank you ever so much for taking the time out to read my blog and comment, it really helps knowing that people are here to listen to me let off steam and I could never thank you enough also ((hugs)). I really hope things are better for you and that you have settled into your new home now!

My mum - Thank you so much for always being here for me and for supporting me 100% in everything I do. I could never in a million years thank you for all of the support you have given me - you're the best! I love you so much!

One of the Worst Weeks of My Life

This week as got to have been one of the worse weeks of my life. I am so physically and emotionally shattered at the moment that I don't know whether I am coming or going and the little energy that I did have before all of this happened as just about gone.

On Monday, me, my mum and my nanan went to see my grandad in the Chappel of Rest and that was so hard. My grandad just looked so normal and we all expected him to just jump up and say "I fooled you all" but I guess it is just wishful thinking unfortunately. My grandads coffin was full of pictures of all of his grandkids and kids and I put a letter in that I had written to him and my nanan put his favourite had in (he would never go anywhere without it!).

We didn't stay in the Chappel of Rest very long as it was too upsetting but we all said our goodbyes and told my grandad that everything would be OK.

Tuesday was the day of the funeral. I honestly don't know how I managed to get through it all. It was SO much worse than I ever imagined it would be. I think it made it harder with me going to the Chappel of Rest but I honestly wanted to go and say my goodbyes. Even just seeing the coffin out on the street made me cry. When we got to the church, we said our prayers and sang hymns and the vicar spoke about my grandads life. It was SO hard when he spoke about how my grandad met my grandma and how much he lvoed all of his children and grandchildren.

On the way out of the Church, the vicar played a football rap as my grandad was a very big football supporter. It was supposed to make us all smile but I think it totally had the opposite affect as everyone was in floods of tears!!

After we got out of the Church, we went to the Crematorium. On the way in to the Crematorium, they played 'I did it my way' by Frank Sinatru and even just hearing the lyrics made me cry. My grandad always had to do things he way and even if we told him to do it the easiest way, he would still have to figure it out for himself!

When they closed the curtains in the Crematorium, I just wanted to stand up and shout that was my grandad and that they couldn't do that to him but I know it's too late unfortunately now, he's gone.

When we got back from the Crematorium, we went to our local pub for a tea service. All of our family was there and it was pretty nice - it's just such a shame that it takes a funeral to bring everyone together. I got to see my cousion, Shakira who had a liver transplant last year and she is doing great! She is only 5 so doesn't really understand what has happened to my grandad.

Wednesday, we took my nanan to town as she wanted to take all of the verses to be put into the papers. It cost an absolute fortune! Thankfully, nearly everyone as paid for their verses but my aunty still owes my uncle some money for both the flowers and the verse. I doubt he will ever got the money back as she is one of those people that just expects everything for nothing. My grandad gave her £2000 for a new kitchen about 2 years before he passed away and he never got the money back! My grandad was always the soft one and would give into her but my nanans promised us that she wont.

Thursday, we spent most of the day arranging things and phoning and filling in forms for my nanan. We should get the ashes back sometime this week and my nanan wanted us to order a rose bush for her. We have ordered one that is yellow and supposed to be a 'Celebration of life' and have named it after my grandad. My grandad always said that whenever anything happened to him, he wanted to be put in the back garden so that is what we have decided to do!

I have spent the rest of the week trying to rest as my RSD is flaring up again. I think the stress and all of the walking and things has really affected me. I have been going to see my nanan every day and it's really hard when I don't feel like doing anything but we need to go and check that she is OK.

I start back at school again tomorrow - i'm not sure if that's a good idea or not. I don't know if I am ready to go back at the moment but on the other hand, I want something to take my mind off everything. At least I know that everyone will be supportive and if I don't feel like doing anything, I just have to tell them.

Sorry for rambling - am still very upset and not sleeping.

OUCH!!

I really think my arm is going into another flare. Over the last few days it has been hurting quite a lot and yesterday I noticed that the area near my wrist was coming out in a big bruise. Whenever I press on my arm, I get a really sharp pain.

I don't know whats causing this flare; the weathers quite nice, I haven't knocked or injured my arm, in fact I can't think of anything that I have done that could of caused it to flare, the only thing I can think of is stress. Who knows?

I always have pain in my arm but usually it is just mild thankfully (about a 2-3 on the pain scale), today it is more like a 4-5 - thankfully it isn't as bad as my leg though!!

It's like my body always seems to know when I have something important coming up as I always end up in a flare!! I am going to do my exercises, keep moving my arm as best I can and hopefully it will improve soon!! When I go in hospital tomorrow, I am going to ask the Anaesthatist (sp?) to put the canula in my good arm, rather then risk making things worse (my RSD doesn't agree with needles what so ever, when I had the nerve block, I lost my balance and co-ordination and when I had the Ingrown Toenail removed, I ended up with severe spasms from my hip). The good thing is, I am seeing my PM Doctor and PT's tomorrow so hopefully they will be able to take a look at me and give me some advice.

Have to go for now, typing is hard and very painful!

The Start of Another Week!!

I can't believe it's the start of another week already, this weekend seems to have gone so fast and I haven't even been out of the house!!

The only thing I have done this weekend was watch TV and spend some time on my laptop, I didn't feel like doing anything else and figured that I needed to rest and try and take care of myself for once. I love Sunday's on the TV has my favourite Soap program is on; Hollyoaks. It is a really good English program and I absolutely love watching it!!

I am not feeling too well today, I am having a high pain day and have quite a lot on my mind. I think my arm is going into a bit of a flare again has it is aching a lot today and starting to bruise a bit near my wrist. I am going to do some of my exercises on it so that hopefully it doesn't get any worse. My mums allowed me to take the day off School today because she could see I wasn't feeling too well (I looked really pale) and thought it was better that I try and rest for my procedure on Wednesday (I am so nervous!)I can't concentrate properly today so going to School would just have been a waste of time ... Hopefully I will feel well enough to go tomorrow.

I am so nervous about my upcoming procedure this Wednesday, I think my mum is too. Every time I go to have a procedure, even if it is minor something always seems to go wrong and I come out with some kind of complications. Hopefully this procedure shouldn't cause any complications because they are not (hopefully!) injecting into my RSD leg, they are just going to manipulate my leg into a natural position and then make a splint. Still, I can't help being nervous, I think it is normal with this illness to be scared about things. I am trying to stay positive and hope that the splint will work, if it doesn't I have to have a full leg cast put on in January and I really don't want to go down that route unless we have to.

I am going to rest now has I don't feel well ... wish me luck with my procedure this coming Wednesday (the 22nd)!!

Another Week's Over!!

Well, another week is over thankfully. I have all the weekend to relax ready for School again on Monday. The Weekends seem to go really fast but the School week just seems to go really slow!!

I took the day off School today has I wasn't feeling too good. I didn't get any sleep what so ever last night because of the pain in my leg and tooth - I was sat up on my Laptop at 3am English time!! Because the pain was so bad, I took a couple Tramadol's hoping that they would at least make me sleep but they didn't!! They used to always make me sleep so I can't figure out why they wont knock me out now ... I guess my body has just got used to it.

My mum recieved a call today from my Pain Management Doctor's nurse - I am going into hospital this coming Wednesday (the 22nd). I will be taken to theatre, have my leg manipulated and then a splint moulded to the shape of my foot ... the splint will then take about 2 weeks to make. Thankfully I am just staying in for the day - we have to be at the hospital at 8.30am and I am going to the Operating Room at 9.30am.

Even though I didn't go to School today, I still had my Home Tutoring. I didn't really feel up to it but I don't like missing so much School Work. My tutor came this after for about an hour and did some Math and English with me. In Math we are doing Algebra - I can't figure out how to do that at the moment but I have only just started doing it so hopefully it will sink in soon!! In English, I had to read a poem and then answer lots of questions about it which was pretty easy!! My mum emailed my teachers at School and they have arranged for me to do some ICT (computer) work at home, I am pretty good on the computer so hopefully I should be able to do everything that I need to do!!

I will only be at School 3 days at the most next week has Wednesday I am going into hopspital and Friday is a teacher training day. We are then off for a whole week for October Half Term. That should be nice has I will be able to have a break from everything!!!

I really hope I can sleep tonight ...

Dentist Appointment

I had a Dentist Appointment today. The Appointment REALLY hurt! The Dentist gave me a lot more aneasthetic then he would in a normal patient has having spoken to my PM Doctor he said that with most of his RSD patients he suggests to use more aneasthetic to try and combat any side effects or reactions. The Aneasthetic didn't take unfortunately. The Dentist was going to just give me a filling but explained that the tooth is a lot more infected than it was a few weeks ago when I last saw it. The Nerve in my tooth is exposed into the air (Hence the reason why I have been in so much pain) and the Dentist had to keep sticking needles into my nerve - that really hurt and I nearly shot through the roof!!

My Dentist explained that because my tooth is so badly affected, I have to have a root canal (I am really dreading that!!), he explained that he would of extracted the tooth but he wants to try his best to save it if he can. My Dentist could see how much pain I was in so he has just cleaned the tooth and dressed it and also put a temporary filling in. I have to go back in 3 weeks for another filling (my teeth seem to chip very easily since developing RSD) and then I have to go back about 3 weeks after that to have the root canal.

My Dentist wanted to see how I react to this aneasthetic before doing anything else because of me having RSD. Hopefully the pain will settle down soon - I have just took a tramadol and it seems to be helping with the nerve pain in my tooth a bit (I just wish it would help the pain in my leg!!)

It's all fun to say the least ...